Written by Dr. Mike Robinson ~ Guest Writer
Photo of batmobile from “Batman Forever”. Retrieved from carstars.fandom.com.
“It’s the car, right? Chicks love the car.” That risibly bad line is one of many awful lines in a terrible scene between Dr. Chase Meridian (Nicole Kidman) and Batman (Val Kilmer) in a movie full of awful lines in terrible scenes, 1995’s “Batman Forever”. In a moment that has less chemistry than an empty science classroom, this agonizing flirtation-like moment does remind us of one important point.
Let’s adjust that point to eliminate sexism— It’s the car, right? Everybody loves the car.
The Batmobile is cool beyond cool. Its coolness is so cool that we do not even feel embarrassed for it when it’s mentioned in that terrible scene.
Unfortunately, the very awesomeness of the Batmobile conceals the difficulties inherent in all superhero vehicles.
First, where do you keep the things? Obviously, you cannot park your supercar in your driveway. You have to have a garage for it. Where do you just get a garage? If you find one, it has to be somewhere near enough that you can get to it without too much trouble during an emergency. Is it better to have the garage within walking distance of your residence or your job? If it’s too far away, the garage will have to be a two-car garage so that you can drive your civilian vehicle over, park that car, and then get into your super-ride.
Second, as a corollary, where do you gas these cars up? Or charge them up if you are an ecologically minded kind of hero. You could keep gasoline on site, but then at some point a gasoline truck has to swing by to fill up your storage tanks which creates another risk related to secrecy. Or are you going to just swing by Sheetz at fill up time? I mean that would give people the time to dig the car.
Third, what about maintenance? If you are not a mechanic, you’re going to have to find one soon that you can trust. Oh, and you’ll need a good body shop too. Car chases are murder on paint jobs, etc.
Fourth, forget about insurance.
Fifth, where do you park these things once you get to the crime-filled city? This has bothered me for most of my life. I actually brought this up during a job interview at a newspaper. Weirdly enough I was hired. I guess I showed a sense of humor.
But I am serious. The last place you really want to drive your car is into the crime-filled hellscape you seek to patrol. Maybe your car has some kind of anti-theft system that zaps people who try to steal it. Still, this thing is going to be an irresistible target for vicious vandals or just graffiti artists looking for some fame.
The only way to prevent all of that is to park away from the crime center and run in on foot. Which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the car in the first place, right?
