Sarah Irby, Editor in Chief~

Do you ever get fed up with conventional relationships? I know I’ve previously discussed my preferences for remaining single or having a friends with benefits arrangement, but I’ve never really talked about my actual annoyances with relationships. Maybe you’ll just see me as cold and cynical or an enemy of love, but that’s okay. I’m not going to take any offense.

First of all, I hate seeing new couples. Yeah, it’s terrible, but it’s also incredibly obnoxious in my opinion. They’re in that happy stage where things are fresh, and they’re just all over each other. They’re holding hands, kissing 24/7 and just doing all those “cutesy” things that just makes me want to yak. I know you only have eyes for each other at the moment, but the rest of us have eyes too, and most of us don’t take particular pleasure in watching you attack each other’s face.

“You’re just jealous.” Yeah, no. I prefer being a lone wolf and not taking part in PDA. No one needs to see that, honestly. There’s a whole world around your little couple bubble, and it won’t be long before it pops. Everything doesn’t stay sunshine and rainbows, and once the real world comes crashing in, you won’t be finishing each other’s sentences anymore or spending every waking moment together. Reality check, please.

third wheel
Illustration by Genevieve Griffin

Now I know you’re all going to agree that being the third wheel is the worst. Absolutely. They always say they’ll include you or that they’ll pay just as much attention to you as they do their significant other, and maybe they believe that, but it’s all lies. They’ll be talking to one another the whole time, and they won’t even face you. And when you try to talk, it’ll feel like no one’s listening (they’ll assure you they’re listening while continuing to talk over you to their boyfriend or girlfriend). You’ll feel just as alone as you would if you were physically alone. Which you’re probably now thinking was the better option. I concur. Being the third wheel never fails to piss me off and to give rise to some resentment as well. Let’s say “no” to being the third wheel.

The problem that comes along with not being a third wheel: You’re probably hardly ever going to see your friend anymore. They only care about their relationship now (until sh*t turns bad and they come to you for consolation; secretly you’re just glad to have your friend back). If the person is your best friend and you do pretty much everything together, you’re going to learn to enjoy solitude and doing things solo very quickly. This is uber unfortunate, but at the same time, we all have to know how to be alone.

And god forbid if you don’t like their new boo thang, because during the rare times you are together, he or she is all you’re going to be hearing about for the duration of their relationship (and afterward too).

We should just ban relationships. Okay, no, that’s obviously excessive, but I can’t be the only one who rolls her eyes when she sees couples together. And yeah, I know that whenever I end up in a new relationship, I’ll do the very things that I hate seeing others do. Sort of. I’m not really about that mushy gushy, lovey dovey lifestyle.

When someone I’m close to gets in a relationship, I basically become a dog. I’m possessive and want to protect my person (and I will literally rip your throat out if you hurt him/her), I jealously vie for your attention and affection and I’ll probably whine a lot and get really sad when you leave. Maybe I’m ridiculous, but I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person in the world who has ever felt this way. Putting up with someone else’s love life because you love them is “ruff.” I’m just going to continue to snuff this relationship stuff.